When I was an undergrad at the University of Cincinnati, I wanted to be a college president. I had an internship with the Dean of Arts & Sciences and was inspired by the university’s president.
It was 1973 and I was 20 years’ old.
I got my second master’s degree in 1997, so, it’s been 28 years since I was a college student. But, as a psychotherapist in private practice (near SDSU) I’ve had a lot of San Diego college students as clients over the past 25 years and have helped them address and debunk some myths about sex in my psychotherapy work with them:
Myth #1: We’re more assertive than previous generations so we usually get what we want in bed.
You’d think with all the waves of feminism inspiring women to ask for what they want and macho dudes like Andrew Tate telling young men that sex is something they’re “owed”, that all young people can easily ask for – and get – what they want sexually.
That’s not what my clients tell me.
Shame and guilt haven’t gone away: “I know I shouldn’t but I feel embarrassed asking for what I want” a client recently told me. Most of us are raised in families where sex still has negativity around it, especially if you were raised in a conservative religious background, “It’s like God doesn’t want us to have sex” another client said.
And if everyone’s so good at being assertive, why do I hear, “When we’re having sex, my partner never asks me what I want” or “It’s hard to have good communication during sex.”
Myth #2: It’s easy to have “fun sex” and not worry about having an emotional connection.
Overall, I hear from young people that they want an emotional connection more than a good orgasm (both – together – would be ideal). “Even if it’s just a hook-up, I want to feel some kind of relationship with my sex partner(s)”.
Getting to know people in groups makes it easier to connect with someone you’ve seen in a variety of social situations. “I got to know ‘Manuel’ in our friend group, and, eventually, one thing led to another!”
Myth #3: Porn has no effect on my sex life.
How can we live in a world full of free, easily-accessible porn and not have it affect our sex life? Clients tell me, “I feel so lame compared to all those dudes in porn” and “Women are treated so badly in porn, it makes me want to have less sex or at least take a break from sex for a while.”
Porn has seeped into our culture on so many levels that it’s difficult to ignore its unrealistic standards of appearance and performance: “Watching porn is so depressing, no one looks like that or f*cks like that”.
Myth #4: Eventually, everyone cheats on their partner.
This is quite a long-lasting stereotype. Of course, not all people cheat, but those that do get a lot more social media attention than those who don’t.
Some of my clients think about cheating but decide the risk wasn’t worth the reward. Some are total fans of monogamy, while others would like to experiment with some kind of open relationship.
Myth #5: Sexual labels are old history.
I’ve had plenty of married clients looking to hook up with same gender folks. Most of them are reluctant to label themselves and many bisexual/pansexual people are embarrassed to talk about same-sex experiences: “I can’t be open about my (same sex) experiences with friends and family” or “Just because I sleep with other men, everyone assumes I’m a closeted gay guy.”
Many clients who’d slept, or wanted to sleep, with others of the same sex didn’t want to label themselves, seeing their sexuality as fluid – on a spectrum. Fear of being incorrectly labelled holds people back from sexually experimenting. And men are still traditionally expected to play “dominant” and “macho” roles while women are still pushed into acting stereotypically “feminine” and “passive”.
These myths are my observations from working with college-age clients; they aren’t universal truths. I welcome feedback – please let me know if they ring true (or false) for you: [email protected] or lifebeyondtherapy.com.
Michael Kimmel is a San Diego-based, California-licensed psychotherapist (LCSW 20738). With over 25 years of counseling experience, he brings warmth, practical insight and a healthy sense of humor to his work. You can reach him at 619-955-3311 or at Life Beyond Therapy.com.
Photo credit: Natali Gonzalez
