Dr. Ink

Excalibur Hookah Bar & Cigar Lounge

To whom was Adam Ant asking in his ’80s hit song, “Goodie Two Shoes”: “Don’t drink, don’t smoke – what do you do?”

Certainly not Dr. Ink and friends during an era when every watering hole in the nation left our hideous mullets smelling like booze-soaked ashtrays, whether we smoked or not. Perhaps the lyrics were prophetically aimed at the ensuing populace of partiers caught in the dictates of zoning regulators answering to the medical police. You know, the ones who say you’re allowed to drink here, smoke there, but never in the same place.

For better or worse, and without uttering a single expletive to the debate, Dr. Ink recently discovered Excalibur Hookah Bar & Cigar Lounge, where the I-don’t-give-a-damn crowd can puff away on stogies, ciggies and hookahs in the company of wine and beer – and indoors! During happy hour, the hookahs are half-priced and drinks are $2 less.

Excalibur feels like something of a speakeasy in these restrained times. Tucked away between Fifth Avenue and Robinson Street in the heart of Hillcrest, the well-ventilated space features two sizable rooms. In the front you’ll find basic, comfy furniture and a boob tube. Though in the windowless back room, it’s Persian-decorated with pillowed banquettes and attention-grabbing bric-a-brac. The latter is strewn also with ornate hookah pipes, some equipped with up to three hoses for communal good times.

The Barefoot label dominates the brief wine list, while beer selections extend to Guinness, Stone Brewing Company and Hoegaarden Belgian white ale, to name a few. Food is non-existent. Yet when the palate demands the flavors of Jack and Coke, apple martinis or pumpkin pie for that matter, you turn to the wild assortment of hookah tobaccos.

Full bowls last for about 90 minutes. Customized hookahs involve flavored waters, juices and wines inside the pipes, adding further dimension to your bubbling smoke experience. Imagine the Macaroon: coconut tobacco cooled through chocolate milk as you draw. Or if you prefer to suck on something more summery tasting instead, look no further than the Melon Ball, filled with melon-dew tobacco and lemon juice.

“The apple tobaccos are the biggest sellers,” revealed manager Matthew Sloman, who attentively brushes away the ashes from little blocks of burning coals set atop the active hookahs. He also tailors the music according to the customer vibe, jumping from relaxing Middle Eastern instrumentals to club tracks, all piped through a crisp surround-sound system.

Excalibur attracts a mix of hookah connoisseurs and hookah virgins alike, all of varying ages. “Unfortunately a lot of newcomers who see the hookahs immediately think ‘bongs.’ When they do, I send them down the street to Andy’s head shop,” he quipped.

We deferred to plain apple tobacco, which offered a fine natural flavor that wasn’t cloying like my cigar-smoking friend had feared. (He still has nightmares over an artificially flavored Piña Colada stogie someone once gave him.)

Sloman assured, “These tobaccos are all flavored naturally,” while showing off his newest line called Hookah Hookah. From that inventory, a young couple sitting a few gold pillows away invited us to sample their 7 Spice. The rush of clove, cinnamon and coriander we instantly identified was downright bewitching. And with easeful abandonment, Dr. Ink said, “to hell with my wine,” leaving it for dead over several minutes in lieu of this luscious low-nicotine fix.

Naughty vices enjoyed in a relaxing atmosphere make Excalibur a rare find. Just leave those fussy goody-two-shoes at the door.u

Excalibur Hookah Bar & Cigar Lounge

3858 Fifth Ave.

San Diego, CA 92103

260-8099

Happy Hour: 6 to 9 p.m., Monday through Saturday

RATINGS:

Drinks: 3

The wine list cries for better diversity, as most of it falls under the Barefoot label. The beer list, however, escapes the overly commercial brands, giving way to IPAs, Belgians and Hefeweizen. A couple of Bacardi mojitos are also available.

Food: 1

No food license raises the potential of ending up with drive-through burritos on your way home.

Value: 4

Shave $2 off the beer and wine prices, which average regularly at $5.50 and $6 respectively. Full hookah bowls (normally $15 to $19.99) are half-priced, allowing for a little extra taste testing.

Service: 5

Manager Matthew Sloman, always on duty, provides hospitable greetings and explains the ins and outs of hookah smoking with considerable knowledge.

Duration: 4

The late-in-the-day happy hour period is fitting for a lounge that sees little direct sunlight, and which demands that you pillow up and stay a while.