By Scott Marks | SDUN Film Critic

“The Green Hornet” is vanity filmmaking at its lowest, a chance for the otherwise serviceable funnyman Seth Rogen (he also co-wrote and co-produced) to leapfrog over a few rungs on his way up the movie star ladder. How about this for a role reversal: In his first live action film not to receive an R rating, the loveable schlub drops thirty pounds and stars as a superhero in a mainstream 3D kidpic.

Here is a textbook lesson in how to spot red flags. Unless the suits at Sony Pictures were neck-deep in a tsunami of flop sweat why debut a $90 million picture with all this advance hype in January? Originally scheduled to drop as a Christmas release, Sony pushed back the opening by three weeks citing a last minute need for 3D “enhancement.”

The production appeared doomed from the start. Miramax purchased the property with director Kevin Smith (“Clerks,” “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back”) in mind. The thought of working on a film where the craft services budget cost more than all of his previous efforts combined frightened Smith. He contributed a couple of drafts before Miramax let the “Hornet” fly the coop and the rights were scooped up by Columbia Pictures.

Rogen was signed to co-write and star as Britt Reid. With his experience at directing fast-paced action comedies coupled with a pronounced cartoon sensibility, Stephen Chow (“Shaolin Soccer,” “Kung Fu Hustle”) was the logical choice to direct as well as co-star as our masked hero‘s loyal companion Kato. Citing “creative differences,” Columbia bid Chow ciao and toyed with the idea of James Wan (“Saw,“ “Dead Silence”) before finally settling on Michel Gondry (“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind“).  Gondry once again proves that without the aid of screenwriter Charlie Kaufman, he’s nothing.

As Kato, Taiwanese pop music sensation Jay Chou looks the part, but as soon as the inexperienced actor opens his mouth you’ll be scanning the bottom of the screen in search of subtitles. Abbie Cornish was tapped to play Reid‘s love interest Lenore, but the studio went with Cameron Diaz, a former ingénue best known for jiggling her butt in two “Charlie’s Angels” outings. What happens when a career fabricated on good looks begins to lose its foundation?  It’s not pretty, particularly in the grandeur of IMAX 3D where Cameron’s crows feet practically sprout wings.

The film has two giant obstacles to overcome: Seth Rogen. In this case he can’t deliver the goods let alone write them. The only thing worse than the Tarantino-inspired, observational pop cultural babble that passes for dialog is his strident line readings. Every word is pitched at such a level that it can be heard in adjoining theaters.

Let’s hope that Rogen never finds himself in need of the services of America’s Finest. After his beastly depiction of police officers as ineffectual dunderheads in the aptly titled “Superbad,” who could fault the cops if it took a few days for them to answer Rogen’s call? When our crime fighting hero decides to take his souped up sedan (and true star of the film) the Black Beauty out for a trial run the end result is anything but favorable for the officers in pursuit who wind up overturned and in flames. What better way to earn the bad guys’ respect than by sending out a message that the lives of a couple of cops are meaningless to The Green Hornet?

“The Green Hornet” is currently buzzing at a multiplex near you. Swat it!

Rating: 0 out of 5

Directed by Michel Gondry

Written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg based on George W. Trendle’s radio series

Starring: Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Cameron Diaz, Christoph Waltz and Tom Wilkinson