Among the stories uncovered by the Peninsula Beacon this week is this tale of stark reality, exposed for its raw content and stripped to the bare facts. 
A recreational boater visiting San Diego had recently docked his craft at the Guest Dock of the San Diego Unified Port District at the southerly tip of Shelter Island and gone ashore to pay bills and run errands.
The nautical navigator returned to his docked vessel to find a stark-naked woman sitting at his table, making sandwiches from his food supply and drinking his beer while wearing only a smile.
The stunned sailor asked the undressed urchin, “What are you doing on my boat?”
Looking up from her preparations, the would-be mermaid answered, “I’m making a porno.”
Despite his new awareness that his unannounced guest claimed to be engaged in the production of a legitimate cinematic classic, the man told told his unclad intruder, “You need to get off this boat.”
When the would-be mermaid continued to enjoy her onboard luncheon and quaff from her mug of beer, the miffed mariner called the San Diego Harbor Police office next door to the docks. He left the nourished nudist onboard and headed for the cop shop.
After receiving no response when he knocked on the main door, our stymied sailor walked around the entire building, knocking on every door and covered window.
Meanwhile, our satiated stripper had donned a blouse, gathered her belongings and disembarked from her clothing-optional café.
Finally, the now-nervous sailor was able to arouse a pair of languishing lawmen, and point out the partially clad perpetrator who was now walking across the grass near the Friendship Bell.
The deputized duo broke into a jiggling jog and were able to quickly nail the nautical nymph.
Soon, a car with a couple more coppers arrived, and the only sea siren call the nearly naked nosher would hear was wafting across the willowing winds from the local lockup.
As for our salty seaman, he offered only one succinct summary of the clothes-free calamity: 
“I didn’t really mind if she ate my food, but when she got into my beer, now that was serious!”