The American standard for front yards exemplifies society’s adherence to aesthetics over function, and in an entirely impractical fashion.
The monoculture lawns–meaning only plain grass, of course–ignore the needs of insects and other wildlife; not to mention the poor utilization of space…and I’m all for it! I love my grass lawn! The satisfaction of mowing lines, this way and that, the warlike weekly weeding, the $2,000 annual water bill producing nothing but patchy grass. I pride myself on maintaining the cleanest land on the block.
But a few months ago, in their APES-style neon yellow vests, new neighbors moved in next door. And, boy, did they get to work uglying up the street.
Their overgrown lawn exhibits flowers, native grasses (the “grasses” aren’t even green!), white clover, and succulents. They bragged of native lawns being “good for pollinators” and “saving them so much water.” So what? It’s not like one measly friendly neighborhood jungle will help save Earth.
On a mission
One Saturday morning when I saw them tending to their USDA-approved front yard, I decided I’d show ‘em. I will prove pure grass surpasses the curb-appeal benchmark, and environmentally friendly lawns do not belong in a rigid suburbia.
I slip into my Nike polo shirt, step into my khaki shorts, hike up my crew socks which sport the logo of my high school Alma Mater (obviously not Patrick Henry, with its long-lasting, water-saving turf multi-purpose field), and walk across the beautiful, bright green, two-inch beauties in my backyard to the garage door.
In the garage, I step over my $27 bags of fertilizer, cross the mountain of shovels I use for my weekly weeding, and nearly trip on the state-of-the-art crinkle hose blocking the path to my brand new $600 ride mower, which I have felicitously named Beast.
Unlucky for me, rainy nights turned my lawn into a mud bath, so mowing will be a pain. Pain I will fondly reflect on when the results display my refined cutlery skills.
You see, my neighbors informed me grass roots only grow 6-12 inches, and white clover roots can grow 18-24 inches, and they increase water retention. And to that I say pshaw! The mud brings forth an army of worms…living organisms!
See? I’m just not a pollinator guy! I’m a worm guy. All the worms in my yard squiggling in the mud will rise up to decompose all of the bees who happen to die when landing on my chemical casket. How bad can I possibly be? It’s just a few bees.
Love for nature
The annoying thing about my neighbors’ love for nature is they keep pushing for me to “start small”.
One day, when they tag-teamed an attack on me and came over during my daily Appreciation Gaze (I just stare at my lawn in awe of its beauty), they sprung on me facts about the local high school, blabbering that one of the classes has successfully grown food on campus, simply from toilet paper rolls, a few seeds, and some compost and soil. They described to me “seed banks”–another “ooh, ahh” opportunity the high school has presented to its students–sprinkled around the city; these stationary stands provide seeds anyone can grab, for free. I told them the concern was appreciated, but I just can’t replace lawn time for gardening time. And they said they understand, but they just won’t stop with their kindness-bombing in the community!
Though I can see the menace in my neighbor’s smiles every time they extend a hand of homegrown zucchini; the way their eyes trace the ultra-sharp corners of my grass; I can tell it is jealousy; they realize their functional, maximalist, sustainable eye-sore drives away the other neighbors because of how ugly it is; and every time their tidily-lined milkweed brings forth sustenance for endangered butterflies, and their trimmed lemon tree provides the main ingredient for free lemonade, and their secluded veggie planter provides food for the less fortunate family next door, I know they remember my bland, flat, monoculture lawn and envy it just as much as everyone else.
Don’t these people get it?
All the environmentalist agendas aren’t fit for urban life. To try and turn our neighborhoods into closer-knit communities with a shared love for nature and wildlife goes against what American Lawn Care’s all about. Who’s going to tell the John Muir fangirls and Teddy Roosevelt wannabes that changing what the human eye perceives as beautiful will not change what the human mind seeks to achieve?
The American Lawn Care market is estimated to be worth $58.69 billion in 2024, and predicted to be worth over $75 billion by 2029.
And Home Depot be damned if I ever reject the beauty of a lifeless grass lawn.
Works cited:
Crothers, Laura. “White Clover.” Sustainable Agriculture Research & Education Program, The Regents of the University of California, Davis, 30 Mar. 2021, sarep.ucdavis.edu/covercrop/whiteclover#:~:text=(1951)%20wrote%20that%20white%20clover,to%20four%20or%20five%20feet.
“United States Lawn Care Market Size & Share Analysis – Growth Trends & Forecast (2024-2029).” Mordor Intelligence Market Research Company, www.mordorintelligence.com/industry-reports/united-states-lawn-care-market#:~:text=US%20Lawn%20Care%20Market%20Analysis,period%20(2024%2D2029). Accessed 7 Nov. 2024.
“Weed and Feed – Lawn Fertilizers.” The Home Depot, www.homedepot.com/b/Outdoors-Garden-Center-Lawn-Care-Lawn-Fertilizers/Weed-and-Feed/N-5yc1vZbx6bZ1z1zif8. Accessed 4 Nov. 2024.
“Why Deep Grass Roots Matter.” Scientific Plant Service Online, Scientific Plant Service, 5 Apr. 2024, spsonline.com/blog/why-deep-grass-roots-matter/
Editor’s note: This is a monthly column written by a student at Patrick Henry High School. This column is written by Maleah Castillo.
Top photo credit: yourgreenpal.com
