After my last column (on sex myths and college students) proved popular, I was asked to write about some of the pressures on female college students.

Since I am neither female nor a college student, I knew that I needed to talk to a few young women who were, so I started informally “interviewing” some of my clients – I’m a psychotherapist – and young women who agreed to talk with me, as long as it was anonymous.

I only talked with a few female students, so I invite you not to fault me for a small sample size, as the researchers say, but here’s some of what I heard:

Young women talked about the pressures to conform, specifically, social media and the “influencers” that everyone is encouraged to follow:

“Those social influencers, you think, ‘how dumb, who cares?’ but people really do care. Everyone wants to be hip/fashionable/popular/whatever. Before social media, I bet it was a lot easier to just be ‘you’, whoever that was. Now, we’re basically told what we should wear, think and buy…which changes every few months.”

“In my sociology class, we read about how pressures to conform and fit in are really strong in your teens and twenties. And, damn, is that true! In my friend group, there’s definitely a style of dressing that we all adhere to, to some degree. I guess the big fear is being a weirdo, a loner, a loser that no one wants to be around.”

“Everyone drinks, whether you want to or not. If you don’t, you’re a punk. I don’t particularly like the taste of alcohol, but I do like feeling more relaxed. When I go to a party stone cold sober, I feel really anxious until I get that first drink down. Then, I can smile and be friendly and talk to people. After a couple more drinks, I can talk to anyone and make them laugh.”

Do you feel safe on campus?

“During the day, sure. No problem. And when I’m going out with a group of friends at night, there’s safety in numbers. But if I need to go somewhere at night, by myself…that’s a different story. Drunk guys sometimes harass you or scare you; they’re usually harmless, but you never know.”

“I’m an introvert, so I don’t hang with a crowd much. When I go places, I often go alone. I am usually okay alone, but then, I’m 5’9” and play soccer. Still, I don’t wear tight-fitting clothes when I’m out on my own. If I’m walking home alone in the evening, I wear a loose-fitting jacket and pants and walk fast. I try to stay near other people so I’m not isolated.”

“I do. Even at night. No one ever bothers me. I dress pretty artsy-like and I think my eccentricity keeps people away. I like it that way.”

How do you balance: worrying about your safety with having the freedom to dress as you like?

Some of my clients told me that they see groups of sorority girls on weekends going from party-to-party, often wearing little more than a tank top, g-string thong and cowboy boots. I didn’t believe them, at first, but they insisted.

Then I asked another client, a young woman in a sorority, if that was true. “There’s a lot of pressure on us to dress alike when we’re out in a group, and, if the leader of the group decides that we’re all going to wear thongs and cowboy boots, then that’s what we wear.”

I asked her, “Isn’t that sexist? Do young men have the same rigid standards to confirm and look ‘hot’?”

“I think so, but it comes out in different ways. If you go to the campus gym, you see these hot guys taking off their shirts and bragging to each other how buff they are. It’s a little homoerotic, actually, sometimes they go and feel each other’s muscles. Kind of weird, but I guess that’s their version of conforming.”

These are my observations from talking with college-age women; they aren’t universal truths.

I welcome feedback – please let me know if they ring true (or false) for you: [email protected] or lifebeyondtherapy.com.

Michael Kimmel is a San Diego-based, California-licensed psychotherapist (LCSW 20738). With over 25 years of counseling experience, he brings warmth, practical insight and a healthy sense of humor to his work. You can reach him at 619-955-3311.

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