When you were a little kid, did you look at all the hard-working grownups all around you and think, “Wow, they’re so good. I hope I can be like them when I grow up.” Years’ later, as a working adult, you look around and think, “We’re all just faking it. None of us is really very good.”
This is called “the imposter syndrome”: as adults, we’re so full of self-doubt that we wonder if we really know what we are doing. CEOs of large corporations and highly-successful entrepreneurs have sat on the sofa in my office and told me, “I’m such a phony; I really don’t know what I’m doing and one of these days, someone will discover it and call me out.”
The brilliant and talented Tina Fey once admitted: “The beauty of the imposter syndrome is you vacillate between extreme egomania and a complete feeling of: ‘I’m a fraud! Oh God, they’re onto me! I’m a fraud!’ So you just try to ride the egomania when it comes and enjoy it and then slide through the idea of fraud. I’ve realized that almost everyone is a fraud, so I try not to feel too bad about it.”
Many of us feel fraudulent when we are praised for our accomplishments. Instead of feeling worthy of recognition, we feel undeserving and guilty, like someone made a mistake and it’s really someone else who deserves the praise, not us.
For decades, LGBTQers, women, people of color, older/or and differently-abled people were more likely to feel like imposters than straight white men. No more. Now, all of us are likely to feel like imposters, even as we get the prizes and win the awards (you can watch the Oscars or any awards show for proof of this).
Regardless of our age, race, gender or physicality, we’re encouraged to feel inferior to other people. Popular culture used to believe that this made us “tougher”, “stronger” and even “smarter”.
Not really.
What it did was make us insecure on the inside while we were careful to appear confident, beautiful and strong on the outside. Many of the most overconfident people – the rich, famous and successful – are, in reality, afraid to step out, speak up and be seen.
So, how do we stop feeling like imposters?
We can acknowledge that our views of ourselves and our abilities are distorted. Many of us have been told our whole lives that unless we live a certain way, e.g., heterosexual, middle-class, white, that we’re doing it wrong. You can believe in yourself, but, when the world – especially social media – tells you that your life is one big mistake, it’s hard to stay true to yourself.
We can help each other by affirming and praising each other: do you praise other people? People do you do things differently than you? People of other ethnicities, genders, physical and mental abilities? Or do you only praise people who do it “right”, like you were raised to do?
My grandma used to say, “You don’t get to heaven by yourself.” I think the same is true for self-esteem: you don’t get there by yourself.
Instead of hating people who overestimate their talents and abilities, let’s learn from them. Let’s give ourselves credit for what we’ve done (not ascribe it to “luck” or “good timing”) and start to talk each other up. It’s often easier to promote a friend than to promote yourself. Have you noticed? We know that they’re not an imposter. We’re not always so sure about ourselves.
As so many self-help books say: you may need “fake it ‘til you make it”. I know I have: I’ve given speeches where I was so nervous that my knees were shaking the entire time. But, afterwards, everyone told me how calm and relaxed I was. If they only knew! (Here’s a secret: always wear loose trousers so no one will see your shaking knees. I’ve been doing this for years!)
The imposter syndrome doesn’t go away overnight: until we feel calm inside, we may have to focus on looking calm on the outside.
Eventually, the inside and the outside will match.
So, let’s go there together: imposters no more.
Michael Kimmel is a San Diego-based, California-licensed psychotherapist (LCSW 20738). With over 25 years of counseling experience, he brings warmth, practical insight and a healthy sense of humor to his work. You can reach him at 619-955-3311 or at Life Beyond Therapy.com.
Photo credit: Pixabay.com
